I have this running list in my head of things that I need. It includes every “need” perceived or concrete that exists in my life. I’m not really a list writer, but on occasion I will write this list of needs down. It includes things like my car payment, mortgage, insurance, groceries for the week, gas for the car, these things float at the top of the list because they are recurring. My list also includes clothing, computers, home repair, these things don’t shout at me every day like the top of the list things do. When I read deeper into my list we start coming to things like new front door, better acoustic guitar, and better music work station. And even deeper into the list we have things like, traveling to see friends, paying off long term debt, new furniture. The farther down the list we go, the less pressing the need, but they still make the list.
My realization isn’t about the difference between a want and a need. My head knows that Abba will supply what I need and He often gives me what I want. My realization this morning is about the relationship between my list and how I feel about Abba. It appears that my financial status bears a great deal of influence on my relationship with God.
Here’s how it works. Abba provides. That provision automatically generates a list. The conversation goes like this: “Here’s what’s due today, here’s what we need right now, here’s what’s due this week, here’s what’s due this month, here’s what’s coming up.” And by the time you’ve listed the immediate things, the money in hand is gone. Abba’s provision never seems to cover enough of the list to ease my fear of not being provided for. And before you’re even through allocating funds you’re back to wondering if you’ll be able to “make it”.
Each item on my list is a piranha. The money provided is fresh meat. I’m so thankful for how God provides. I’m relieved that He thinks of me and will send His provision so we can live this life we believe He’s called us to. But as soon as that money “hits the water”, the piranhas swirl and devour. In a flurry each item takes a bite out of the joy of Abba’s provision till there is nothing left but a carcass stripped clean of any peace and rest. The piranhas are NEVER satisfied. They always devour. This list never ends. It always demands provision. There never seems to be a time where we say, “Wow, I can’t think of anything else I could possibly want.” I suspect in my human condition that it will be that way until I no longer have to fight with my old nature.
This is my realization. The more the piranha is fed, the more I feel loved by Abba. My peace and safety are deeply tied to how well I can check things off of the list. The trap is that the list never ends. No sooner has God provided then that provision is swallowed whole and I’m back to the fear of not being provided for. I hate it.
I want to be able to live in the peace of knowing that Abba knows my list. He will sift through what I need and what I don’t need and teach me the difference. But most of all, I want to be able to rest in His timing. To walk in peace in those times when my needs, as I see them, are not being met, to rest knowing that Abba will take care of me.
