Spiritually Bi-polar?

It is a question of faith in God - the rarest thing; we have faith only in our feelings. I do not believe God unless He will give me something in my hand whereby I may know I have it, then I say - "Now I believe." – Oswald Chambers.

Sometimes I feel like I have developed a bi-polar relationship with Jesus. From what I’ve read about bi-polar, uncontrollable swings of emotion are one of its key indicators. The difficulty in diagnosing bi-polar is determining when normal mood changes cross the line to abnormal. Lately my faith walk has me wondering how close I am to that line. I’ve started to suspect I’m spiritually bi-polar.

Those who follow after Jesus usually desire to live a life defined by faith. The growth of our faith reveals the depth of our relationship with Jesus. For the past two years, Jesus has called me into a deeper walk of faith. Specifically, He has asked me to trust Him for provision. I’ve learned that there are different levels of trust. Up until this point, I was trusting Jesus to provide for me and my family’s needs. I know that He’s in control and I trust that He’ll not only provide for me, but He’ll teach me my role in the whole process. But following after Jesus into this new way of living is testing my idea of how God provides.

I’m talking about my life’s rhythm. The need for provision is always there; it is never fully satisfied. I’m not sure it’s even partially satisfied. It’s more like it’s staved off for the day or shoved into the next week. I wonder why it is that we look to be fully sated. Every month there are bills to pay. Every day there is dinner to make. There is always a demand for resources, always. It never goes away. So I’ve come to learn that there is a rhythm to our provision that we come to trust. A rhythm of life that when it repeats itself with enough consistency we begin to trust the rhythm; we find peace in the consistent repetition of the pattern.

Until Jesus called me into this deeper faith walk, my provision rhythm was a three month pattern. I had learned to trust this pattern and trusted that Jesus would provide as the next three months were “taken care of”. Sure there were times when we wondered if we would be able to make it through that three month cycle. Surprises came up. Finances were strained. And God always seemed to meet our needs and I have lived in that life rhythm for most of my adult life.

The life I’ve been called to lead now is like living on a spiritual roller coaster. I’ve spent the past two years trying to figure out the rhythm. I listen for it, look for it, and ask for it, but so far it’s been very elusive. It certainly isn’t the three month rhythm I had grown to depend on. It’s day to day. Week to week at the most. But the same bills need to be paid. Dinner still needs to be made. The demand for resources is just as strong as it always has been. It’s in this current rhythm of life that I feel bi-polar. The cycle starts with the need. I trust God to provide for this need, I live as though He will meet it, being careful to ask what a need is and what a want is. Then comes the waiting. Waiting tests my faith. God knows the need. He understands my willingness to do whatever is necessary to be part of meeting the need. He totally knows the bill’s due date. I understand waiting builds my faith and I attempt to rest in the belief that God will meet my need, and as time ticks away the fight to rest becomes harder and harder until the night before the bill needs to be paid and I’m fighting the 11th hour panic. Actually if I’m honest, I start fighting panic around the 9th hour, so when God chooses to meet our need in the 11th hour, there is a rush of relief. The peace, panic, relief rhythm is very taxing, and since it seems to be the rhythm for the past two years, I’m finding that the relief at the end of the cycle is slowly turning to anger.

Here is where I feel like a spiritual bi-polar. I start a month in faith and peace and end it in anger at the One who provided the month before. I can’t seem to control my emotions in this. My desire is to remain peaceful through the ride, trusting that the One who promised my provision will provide, but I quickly come to the end of my faith and the resulting emotional swings are wearing me out. It’s sobering to face your lack of faith on a monthly basis. Each time I slam into the end of my faith I realize with more clarity that I really don’t trust God; I trust His provision for me. Oswald Chambers says it so well. “We have faith only in our feelings. I do not believe God unless He will give me something in my hand whereby I may know I have it, then I say - "Now I believe."” Over and over again I’ve been brought to the point where unless it’s in my hand and I know I have it, I wonder if God is going to meet my needs. I struggle thinking that my sin is keeping God from providing, or I’m not hearing from God correctly, or I’m missing something that keeps God from providing for me. I fight the enemy’s suggestions that God doesn’t care, or isn’t capable of meeting my needs. The uncomfortable reality is that God doesn’t meet my needs as I expect and I get mad.

Will I ever know everything there is to know about God?

Will I ever know everything there is to know about God?
Can I know all there is know about my creator?
Is there an end of understanding the one by and for and through all things exist?

What would happen if I acquired the last piece of truth about Him?
What if I came to the end of everything there is to know?

What happens if my relationship with Him became completely full?
What if I heard Him say, “I have nothing else to give you, you have it all?”

Is it possible to consume all of Him?
Is there a point where He is all used up?

 Is there an end to God?
How would that change my relationship?

If there is no end to God, how does that change my relationship?

Why do we live like there is an end to God?

What Is Truth?

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What is truth?

A commodity to be acquired? Brokered? Bought and sold?
A weapon? Brandished at my enemy? Mastered to win arguments? Twisted for my own end?

What is truth?

A religion? Honored above all? Worshipped? Adored? Venerated?
The ultimate prize? A worthy pursuit? Eternal? Answering all questions?
Is it feasible? Always available? Affected by perception? Modified by additional information?

What is truth?

Who protects it? Where is its repository? Who owns the access codes?

What is truth?

Is it expressed in the reality of an eternal being? A person?

A relationship?

What is truth?

Your truth?


I was born and came into the world to testify to the truth. All who love the truth recognize that what I say is true. - Jesus

What is truth? - Pilate

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Maintaining Tradition for the Sake of Truth.

Some Pharisees and teachers of religious law now arrived from Jerusalem to see Jesus. They asked Him, "Why do Your disciples disobey our age-old tradition? For they ignore our tradition of ceremonial hand washing before they eat."

I wonder if the law of entropy applies to the spiritual and intellectual world as well as the physical world. For example, when people value an idea, they seek to present that idea in a way that will have influence on the whole group. But over time the idea begins to lose its influence. It leaks, or as in the law of thermodynamics, left to its own, entropy takes over. Leaking begins as soon as the idea is embraced by the group and without continued input, entropy leads to a total loss of influence.

Because we live in a reality of decay, it is necessary to reenergize the disciples of the idea. We must work to maintain an idea’s influence. There is inherent danger in this reality. In our attempt to maintain the original idea, we lose the idea in our attempts to maintain it. As we, out of necessity, attempt to prop up the value of an idea, we risk that the prop will become more important than the idea.

Jesus replied, "And why do you, by your traditions, violate the direct commandments of God? For instance, God says, 'Honor your father and mother,' and 'Anyone who speaks disrespectfully of father or mother must be put to death.' But you say it is all right for people to say to their parents, 'Sorry, I can't help you. For I have vowed to give to God what I would have given to you.' In this way, you say they don't need to honor their parents. And so you cancel the word of God for the sake of your own tradition.”

I’m pretty sure the Pharisees and the teachers of the religious law didn’t set out to lose the meaning of God’s direct command. They were passionate about maintaining its influence. No doubt a majority of them desired to please God and lead others to live right. Their lives revolved around fighting the entropy of God’s direct commands. Ceremonial hand washing was just one of the props used in the battle to reenergize an idea’s influence. Jesus takes the opportunity to show where their props had become more important then God’s direct command. It had become so convoluted and complex that the prop, like ceremonial hand washing, and not God’s direct command, defined their culture. Instead of being defined by the truth behind their traditions, they were now defined by those very traditions.

You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, 'These people honor Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’”

As always, Jesus obliterates the prop and lances the heart. I place myself in the Pharisees’ shoes. As one who had given his life to the protection and expression of God’s truth, what would it be like to have this bombshell dropped on your soul? These men took their worship seriously. They took their desire to seek after God seriously. Deadly seriously. What must it have done to their souls to have the Rabbi tell them that their worship was a farce?

Let me make it a little more real. Having been called pastor in the past, I’ve desired to protect and uphold the truth. I’ve desired to live in such a way that people would be pointed to Jesus. I’ve given my life to that idea. So my first response to these words of Jesus is to assume that it’s not me. I’m not a Pharisee. But If I’m honest, I have to say that the main reason I don’t think I’m a Pharisee is because I desperately don’t want to be one. Not really foolproof reasoning.

So I let these words into my own soul. What does the Holy Spirit look at in my life and say “Your worship is a farce”. Where am I teaching man-made ideas as commands from God? What props have I used in an attempt to uphold God’s truth? Where in my life have I tried so hard to follow God that I’ve developed traditions that have become more important than God’s truth? Am I willing to let the Holy Spirit tear down what needs to be torn down without fighting to save the traditions on which I’ve based my life?

I Just Want To Be Right.

The depth of my relationship with Jesus reveals itself when my desire to be seen right in God’s eyes collides with the wrong that expresses itself in me. How I exchange my “wrong” for His “right” reveals the depth of my experience with Jesus.

I was talking with a friend recently about how the process of becoming like Jesus works. We are created to be in relationship with our Creator. Placed in the deepest part of who we are is a desire to be connected to the One in Whose image we are created. In my heart it is expressed as a deep desire to know that I’m in “right standing” with the One Who created me. I have a deep desire for my heavenly Father to look at me and call me “right”. The thought that I might not be seen as right in God’s eyes is paralyzing for me.

This paralyzing fear is often the catalyst for how I represent myself to people, and by extension, to my heavenly Father. The thought of being wrong is so demanding that I end up bending the truth to what I think a person’s idea of what is right would be. I’ll try and present myself such that you’ll believe that I have a handle on being “right”. This can be very confusing. Trying to figure out what you think is right and then telling my story to match that can be very taxing, but I’ve discovered that I do it without even thinking about it. I’m not trying to transfer my stuff onto everybody else, but I think we all might have a tendency to tell other people what we think they want to hear about ourselves.

It would be damaging enough if it ended there, but I do the same thing with my heavenly Father. I present to Him the parts of me that I think are okay so that He’ll see me as right. I’ll even rationalize the sin in my life in an attempt to not be wrong. I’m so afraid that if I’m not right, I’ll lose everything, so I offer God a lie. I then wonder why I can’t seem to get a handle on some sin in my life, so I’ll ask God to change me, or change my circumstances, or grow me, my desire to change coming from my fear of being wrong.

In this cycle of confusion I have learned one thing well. God can’t change a lie, He can only change the truth. What a fully devoted follower of Jesus does when confronted with their sin reveals the depth of their relationship and experience with Jesus. Jesus can’t change the lie I offer Him. I must, in truth, bring Him my sin. My sin is then exchanged for His righteousness. There is no other process I see in which one who is following after Jesus becomes holy. My life won’t change until I’m honest with where I am in my current state. When I offer Him my lie, He waits. When I’m honest about my sin, Jesus moves. The only way for me to be “right” is to exchange my “wrong” for Jesus’ “right”.

It seems that much of my energy is consumed with plowing through all of the confusing wrong that is a part of our daily existence. I am weary not only of dealing with my own sin, but also of dealing with a sinful world around me. So I cling tightly to the promise that someday Jesus is going to return and set things right. Our existence is going to be as He created it to be. A hope I carry in my relationship with Jesus is that one day God the Father will finally say, “That’s it. Time’s over. Jesus, go make things right”. It is then that “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” transforms from a forward looking prayer to an experienced reality.

Questions From The Bottom Of My Soul

How can I fully understand my heart?
How can my heart wander, yet still be useful?
How can faith turn to demand so quickly?
How can truth get so twisted you can no longer recognize it?

Is it possible for me to use you till you’re gone?
Can I out walk your grace?
Is it possible for the hardness of my heart to out last your love?
Can I tell you no until you no longer ask?
Is it possible for my stubborn confusion to disqualify me as a son?
Can I really understand and walk in your truth?
Is it possible for this twisted, stained heart to ever be right?

When does the hard part of my heart ruin the rest?
When does peace need to protect itself from me?
When does mercy become an enabler?
When does the most loving thing to do become to no longer love?

Will I forever be a slave to my emotions?
Will I ever know that it means to be healed?
Will I ever know what it means to “be right”?
Will I ever know what it means to not ask why?

Why Can't I Say No?

Why can’t I say no?

What happens when a young child tells his parents no? I remember when my kids told me no, my first thought was to say, “Oh yeah?!” While I acknowledge the importance of learning obedience, it is just as important that our kids learn to say no. We usually don’t have to teach our kids the concept of no; most pick it up at a very early age. This was true with my own kids, and once they picked up the “no” concept, I began to systematically teach them that it’s not okay to say no to me.

As I walk alongside people who struggle with habitually making wrong choices and those who struggle with addiction, I wonder about the connection between the temptations we face and our learning to say no. I wonder if as children we were taught that it wasn’t okay, and now when facing temptation, needing to say no, we really don’t know how.

When a child learns to say no, they aren’t necessarily being disobedient as much as they are trying on what it means to “become their own person”. It’s our job as parents to guide this process. From my own experience I’m afraid I too often stopped the process with a “don’t say no to me!” Unintentionally, I was teaching my kids that it’s not okay to say no. I think it’s possible that we learn this lesson so well we never learn how to say no in a healthy way. So what happens when we are adults and out on our own and we run into temptation? At best we struggle with a handicapped “no” ability, at worst we just plain don’t know how.

I take great comfort in knowing that our Heavenly Father will teach us how to say no. Where I’ve learned that saying no is not okay, He will teach me how to say “yes” to “no”.

I'm Afraid I'm Useless.

Then Peter came to Him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?"

"No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!”

Somewhere along the line, I picked up the idea that I could sin one too many times and the Father would have to “put me on the shelf”. I lived in fear. Every time I sinned, I became less effective in the Kingdom. Every sin “used up” a piece of my righteousness. I lived dreading when the last bit would be consumed. Fearing that there would come a time when my Father would say, “Oh man, what a shame, that was the line, you just crossed it, now I can’t use you anymore. I guess we’ll just have to put you in a box and place you on this shelf.”

The disciple John wrote: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.”

There is no fear in love.

As I’m unlearning fear, I discover that the forgiveness I am asked to offer others, Jesus offers me. How many times am I to forgive my brother? As many times as He asks. How many times will my Heavenly Father forgive me? As many times as I ask.

There is no fear in love, multiplied seventy times seven.

So Excited I Miss The Point

I get so excited I miss the point.

Six days later Jesus took Peter and the two brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain to be alone. As the men watched, Jesus' appearance was transformed so that His face shone like the sun, and His clothes became as white as light. Suddenly, Moses and Elijah appeared and began talking with Jesus. Peter exclaimed, "Lord, it's wonderful for us to be here! If You want, I'll make three shelters as memorials—one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah."

But even as he spoke, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is My dearly loved Son, who brings Me great joy. Listen to Him." The disciples were terrified and fell face down on the ground.

Then Jesus came over and touched them. "Get up," He said. "Don't be afraid." And when they looked up, Moses and Elijah were gone, and they saw only Jesus.

I relate to Peter here. It would seem that when God does amazing things in my life I very often miss the point. I am so self focused that when God meets me at a point of need, I try to make a memorial out of it. I often find myself building a theology of how God will meet my needs from the experience. “Lord, it’s wonderful for us to be here!” While that maybe true, it leaves the focus on me and what I’m getting out of it. I miss the point. I wonder if sometimes I need to shut up and watch. I need to close my mouth and open my ears.

I wonder if all Jesus wanted to do was to introduce the three disciples to the Father. The Father interacted with the three, “This is My dearly loved Son, who brings Me great joy. Listen to Him." I wonder if Peter felt foolish when His eyes were opened to the larger picture.

As a creative, I live to find ways to creatively tell the story, that’s how I build memorials, but it’s important for me to remember that relationship is more important then memorial. Jesus said his job was to reveal to us the Father. I am finding that all to often I get wrapped up in my stuff to see that.

Water Walking Heart

Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that His disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while He sent the people home. After sending them home, He went up into the hills by Himself to pray. Night fell while He was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves.

About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw Him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," He said. "Take courage. I am here! "

Then Peter called to Him, "Lord, if it's really You, tell me to come to You, walking on the water."

"Yes, come," Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt Me?" When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.

Then the disciples worshiped Him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed. 

After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret. Matthew 14:22-33 NLT

Water lesson, take two? This is the second time that the disciples had an “on the water” experience. The first time Jesus was sleeping in the boat and the storm threatened to sink them. Jesus questioned them on their faith and their fear. Then He calmed the storm. They were amazed, observing that even the wind and the waves obey His command.

Take two: Jesus intentionally sends them ahead. Did they learn anything from their first water experience? The narrative doesn’t say they were all freaked out but it does tell us they were in trouble, working really hard against the wind and waves. I am sure the fishermen among them were well aware of the gravity of their circumstances. Surmising from the timeline of Jesus appearing at three in the morning, they had been working hard against the wind and waves for possibly up to ten hours. Ten hours of hard sailing/rowing? That would wear on a body. Hard work wears the mind and emotions as well as the body. I imagine myself in the boat, rowing hard. I’m thinking, I’ve been in this storm situation before: Jesus took care of that one, He’ll take care of this one, except He’s not here. After several hours I fight being a little frantic. I’m now tired, worn out even. (Keep working at it.) I’m wondering what’s going on, how is this going to turn out? I’m wondering why Jesus insisted that you head out without Him; I’m assuming He knew what was coming. (Keep working at it.) What’s He after? What am I supposed to learn? Is there something I’m missing here? (Keep working.) Keep moving. I’m really getting tired. Are we going to make it to the other side? I’m not sure I can hold out. (Keep working.) I’m starting to lose it here. Frantic is beginning to take over. There, coming out of the middle of the darkness, what is THAT? NOW I freak out.

It’s not often I find myself in a boat with a bunch of other guys rowing across the sea of Galilee, so where in my life have I had the “take two water lesson”? It’s funny, I always seem to hope that I’ve grown in my faith enough that I don’t have to live the lessons I read about in scripture, fully knowing that it’s these very lessons that grow my faith. Fear seems to be bound deep in the heart.

When I find myself in familiar testing water, I know Jesus is there because He’s met me here before and I’ve been awed by His control of my circumstances. So here I am again, rowing against these familiar waves. Wondering if He’ll show up. Wondering what I’m supposed to learn. Wondering how long I can hang on. Wondering if I have what it takes to make it to the end. Wondering if He’s doing this just to see how I’ll respond. Wondering if He’s sent me on ahead on purpose. Wondering if I missed something. Wondering if there’s a point to all of this. Wondering if it will ever end. I get to the point where I’m physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I come to a slow painful realization that unless something changes, I’m in trouble.

In the fullness of this moment the true motivation of my heart is revealed.

I’ve found that I’m really good at explaining the stuff that seems to keep me from living in the fullness of who Jesus made me. Many times my finger points to other people. If they would just…. I’m also learning that the truth remains silent to those not yet able to hear it and I must uncomfortably acknowledge that I’ve not grown enough to be able to see the truth of my heart’s deep motives. So I find myself rowing hard against the waves, close to giving up, or giving in, and it’s here, at this breaking point, I experience the fear I fight so hard to keep from expressing. When I’ve exhausted my own resources, and I’ve exhausted what I know and believe about my Savior, the doors in the deeper chambers of my heart open to reveal the true extent of the good and the bad in me.

When Jesus appeared to his disciples, the full depth of their fear was on full display. And in the same instant, Jesus meets embraces the core of their fear. “Don’t be afraid, take courage, I am here. I’ve stepped out of the middle of the darkness to meet you at your deepest point of need.”

This helps me understand Peter’s response. I like to think that he is reacting from the deepest part of his heart. I’m not sure he doubted that it was Jesus as much as his immediate heart’s cry was to be as close to Him as possible. Peter was fully exposed and Jesus is the only place where the exposed heart is safe. I can feel his depth of soul response to climb out of the safety of the boat to embrace the safety of Jesus.

In the middle of my storm, when I am exposed, I hear the Savior of my heart respond, “Yes, come.” And whether my heart fearlessly dances on the waves in the safety of my Savior’s presence, or my fearful heart cries out “Jesus, save me”, I will take courage in knowing that my heart knows the only place where the exposed heart is safe.

God Knows.

Humility: "I have come to know that God knows, He must teach me."

Pride: "I have come to know what God knows, I must teach you."

Faith or Presumption?

When Jesus heard this, He said, "Healthy people don't need a doctor—sick people do." Then He added, "Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

What is the difference between faith and presumption?

Then one of the teachers of religious law said to Him, "Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go." But Jesus replied, "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay His head."

Do I come to Jesus holding on to the conviction that it’s the “right thing to do”, hoping He will respond and meet my need because I’m doing the right thing? Do I come to Jesus in self deprecation, hoping that if He sees that I know how bad I am and I know I deserve to be punished, He’ll respond and show me love? Do I come to Jesus holding in my hands the hope that He will find something in me that is right, validating who I am?

I’ve come to Jesus in these ways. I find that all are presumptuous.

When I come to Jesus because it’s the right thing to do, my actions attempt to limit Jesus to engaging with me only when I’m doing the right thing and obligating Him to action if I am.

When I come to Jesus in self deprecation, I am left empty, having taken responsibility for meting out the punishment of my own sin.

When I come to Jesus expecting Him to validate the righteousness in me, all I find is the finger of conviction on all that is unrighteous in my life.

…two blind men followed along behind Him, shouting, "Son of David, have mercy on us!" They went right into the house where He was staying, and Jesus asked them, "Do you believe I can make you see?" "Yes, Lord," they told Him, "we do." Then He touched their eyes and said, "Because of your faith, it will happen." Then their eyes were opened, and they could see!

I desire to come to Jesus with a heart that knows He is free to choose how to respond. He is free to embrace me; He is free to reject me. My hope is that He will respond, anything beyond that crosses the line from faith to presumption. I am learning that humility is the difference between faith and presumption.

'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

Jesus, Son of David, Have mercy on me.

How Do You Live In The Middle Of The Storm?

Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke Him up, shouting, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" Jesus responded, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" Then He got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm. The disciples were amazed. "Who is this man?" they asked. "Even the winds and waves obey Him!" Matthew 8:23-27

Jesus, are You sleeping? The storm is ragging and I’m sinking. Money is always needed, it never stops. The dollar waves keep cresting and the bow of our life’s boat is one more wave from being under the water. I’m trying to trust but it's relentless and I can't seem to catch a breath. Is this what it feels like to drown? I keep looking for you, I know You’re there. Are You sleeping, unaware of the storm that’s raging around me? When will You wake up? When will You rebuke the storm? When will I experience the great calm?

How does my faith grow in the middle of the storm? I have the benefit of the entire story, am I to respond differently then the first ones who followed You? When You wake up will You have to say, “Why are you afraid?”

How does one live the day to day in the middle of the storm?

Piranha and Lists

I have this running list in my head of things that I need. It includes every “need” perceived or concrete that exists in my life. I’m not really a list writer, but on occasion I will write this list of needs down. It includes things like my car payment, mortgage, insurance, groceries for the week, gas for the car, these things float at the top of the list because they are recurring. My list also includes clothing, computers, home repair, these things don’t shout at me every day like the top of the list things do. When I read deeper into my list we start coming to things like new front door, better acoustic guitar, and better music work station. And even deeper into the list we have things like, traveling to see friends, paying off long term debt, new furniture. The farther down the list we go, the less pressing the need, but they still make the list.

My realization isn’t about the difference between a want and a need. My head knows that Abba will supply what I need and He often gives me what I want. My realization this morning is about the relationship between my list and how I feel about Abba. It appears that my financial status bears a great deal of influence on my relationship with God.

Here’s how it works. Abba provides. That provision automatically generates a list. The conversation goes like this: “Here’s what’s due today, here’s what we need right now, here’s what’s due this week, here’s what’s due this month, here’s what’s coming up.” And by the time you’ve listed the immediate things, the money in hand is gone. Abba’s provision never seems to cover enough of the list to ease my fear of not being provided for. And before you’re even through allocating funds you’re back to wondering if you’ll be able to “make it”.

Each item on my list is a piranha. The money provided is fresh meat. I’m so thankful for how God provides. I’m relieved that He thinks of me and will send His provision so we can live this life we believe He’s called us to. But as soon as that money “hits the water”, the piranhas swirl and devour. In a flurry each item takes a bite out of the joy of Abba’s provision till there is nothing left but a carcass stripped clean of any peace and rest. The piranhas are NEVER satisfied. They always devour. This list never ends. It always demands provision. There never seems to be a time where we say, “Wow, I can’t think of anything else I could possibly want.” I suspect in my human condition that it will be that way until I no longer have to fight with my old nature.

This is my realization. The more the piranha is fed, the more I feel loved by Abba. My peace and safety are deeply tied to how well I can check things off of the list. The trap is that the list never ends. No sooner has God provided then that provision is swallowed whole and I’m back to the fear of not being provided for. I hate it.

I want to be able to live in the peace of knowing that Abba knows my list. He will sift through what I need and what I don’t need and teach me the difference. But most of all, I want to be able to rest in His timing. To walk in peace in those times when my needs, as I see them, are not being met, to rest knowing that Abba will take care of me.

Following

I choose to follow -

Not because I understand, but because I choose to trust.

I choose to follow-

Not because I like where you're going, but because you have my best in mind.

I choose to follow.

Hands of the living God.

It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

If I receive truth, walk in it, experience it’s weight in my life, and choose to live as though that truth has no bearing on my life, then nothing remains but to reap the consequences of the lie I have chosen to base my life on.

There is no fear in love.

When I am deceived, I separate myself from Love, I become fearful.
When I am deceived, I separate myself from Truth, I become prideful.

This is how we become slaves to the fear of dying.

Hebrews 2:14,15