Unloveable

When the hour came, Jesus and His apostles took their places at the table. He said to them, “I have really looked forward to eating this Passover meal with you. I wanted to do this before I suffer. I tell you, I will not eat the Passover meal again until it is celebrated in God’s kingdom.”

After Jesus took the cup, He gave thanks. He said, “Take this cup and share it among yourselves. I tell you, I will not drink wine with you again until God’s kingdom comes.”

Jesus knew that the time had come for Him to leave this world. It was time for Him to go to the Father. Jesus loved His disciples who were in the world. So He now showed them how much He really loved them.

The evening meal was being served. The devil had already tempted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon.

He had told Judas to hand Jesus over to His enemies.

They also started to argue. They disagreed about which of them was thought to be the most important person. (taken from Luke 22)

What an intimate portrayal of the heart of Jesus. This was the beginning of the end. The hour had come, it was time to finish the work His Father had sent Him to do. He had "set his heart on it" (epithemeo) -really looked forward to. His sharing of the cup was His giving fully of Himself to them. I like to believe that He was fully emotionally investing in them. Sharing with them His emotional well being. Letting them into the deepest part of Himself. Freely opening up and inviting them into deepest relationship. One would think that it would be a wonderful experience. That His disciples might begin to understand or at least be drawn into the fact that something eternal was going on. This should have been like the mount of transfiguration for the entire 12. Instead of the pinnacle of following Jesus up to that point, it seems to be the pinnacle of the revelation of their self-centered, sin-twisted soul.

Judas fully gives into the temptation to betray Jesus. The rest begin to argue as to who was thought as the most important person.

In my limited view of how I follow Jesus, I would think that if Jesus was this intimate with me then I would hope to see it for what it is, to embrace what it is He is trying to share and grow from it and for it. I would like to think that it would be a positive, pleasant experience. Yet I've walked enough with Jesus to come to this realization. All too often Jesus' best and most precious gifts reveal the worst of my sin-twisted heart.

I used to stop here and beat myself up for being so "bad" when Jesus is so "good". But if I look at the totality of the lives that Jesus invested Himself in, they did honor Him. They did follow after Him. They did great things to advance the Kingdom and bring glory to the Father. So I have to stop and wonder out loud: is it possible that we're supposed to go through a time where God's love reveals the depth of our ugliness? Is there a time where Jesus say, "I have set my heart on sharing this time with you because I want to show you how much I love you" and to have that time do nothing but bring to light the depths of our self-centered , self-glorifying, self-preserving, self-promoting self?

And if Jesus' expression of love to me shines the light of truth on my soul and reveals that I'm unworthy of that love, does that make His love for me invalid? Or does that disqualify me from embracing as my own this expression of love? Am I supposed to keep Jesus' love at arms length until I no longer have expressed in my life what the light of that love reveals?

I have come to this: If my life is to truly change, I must allow Jesus' love to reveal in me my "unloveliness". I must come to terms with the truth that Jesus' love will first reveal who I really am. I must come to terms with the fact that this is okay. I must come to terms with the fact that Jesus' love does not depend on my "lovable-ness". In truth, when Jesus expresses love to me, one of the purposes of this type of love is to root out of me that which is not lovable. That's why Jesus expresses love the way He does. And if that is truth, then when this love is expressed, not only is it okay to embrace it, to experience it, to claim it as our own and live in it, not only is it okay, it is necessary to do so if we are to grow up into mature Jesus followers. If we want to mature beyond what that love is revealing, it is necessary to experience Jesus' love at our deepest point of "unlovable-ness". Instead of rejecting love until I can "get myself cleaned up". It's the embracing of that love that does the cleaning.