I'm at a loss.

I’m at a loss.

You demand I be safe for you. Can I demand you be safe for me? Who gets to define what safe is?

You accuse me of being closed. There was a time when I chose to trust you with my vulnerability. Did you forget? Who gets to define what being open is?

You say you’ve held me in higher esteem then you should have, is that why I always seemed to catch your anger?

You don’t desired to be judged by who you were because you’ve changed. Amen! Me too!

You say being in ‘real’ relationship with you means we need to get real and raw, does that mean I have to let you beat me up to be real?

You rehearse the deep wounds I’ve caused you. Is that getting real? Does that mean I’m supposed to rehearse the deep wounds you’ve caused me?

You see, I really feel like you want to be free to act any way you want. I feel that you expect that I will accept how ever you treat me. I’m supposed to, in love, understand where you are and accept that you’re trying to grow. So it’s supposed to be OK if you hurt me. Or you’re angry with me. Or you treat me in a way that later you’ll regret. Your free to dump on me. That's what friends do right?

But the rub is this, I’m not free to be angry at you. Or hurt you. Or do something to you that later I might regret. I'm not free to dump on you, even though I’m trying to grow.

I really feel like you want to be free to be who you are but you demand that I be your idea of what you need me to be. I’m supposed to be the person you set me up to be and when I’m not I’m the one who’s at fault.

So I can never live up to the expectations I never set them to begin with. And I can never walk through this morass with you to some understanding because I supposedly bear the greater burden in its creation.